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Torrington 2002
Back to the Future — Year X
By Paul Bentley, Torrington
 | | Mayor Owen Quinn: healthy and ale-ing. Photo/Paul Bentley |
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Looking out my nighttime window, I see an inky black sky blending with ground in an uninterrupted flow of nothingness. Torrington 2001. But when I stare into the bright green three-ringed depths of a cool Ballantine Ale, all things become possible, and Torrington's 2002 future unfolds before me with eight-track clarity.
1. The first thing I see is the mayor drinking a case of Ballantine Ale, then walking naked down the center stripe on Main Street singing, "You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn." Downtown church attendance will plummet.
2. The area council of churches will draft an ironclad contract stipulating that church attendance in Torrington will guarantee the signer a no-wait entrance into heaven, Christmas Village, or Red Lobster—whichever is preferred.
3. Quinn's parade-of-one will be reprised every week and will become an important part of the downtown recarbonization.
4. Quinn's administration will be accused of same-o, same-o, and he'll vow to turn the city 360 degrees. The move will be endorsed by Rotary.
5. Tom Jerram will take over the clock tower of Trinity Church and will pelt Democratic pedestrians with water balloons while screaming, "Where's your mighty Quinn now!"
6. Cops and firemen will request the difference between their pay and what they'd like to make. Board of Safety member Tom Telman will vote in favor saying, "Why not? It's only money."
7. Parents will request that the Torrington Board of Ed again consider banning When Zachary Beaver Came to Town and will add its sequel When Zachary to Town.
8. Torrington will lose in the finals of the Little League World Series in Williamsport and then will be disqualified for being overage. General Manager Kirk Fredriksson will point to the Twister uniforms as the key giveaway.
9. It'll be learned that Osama bin Laden was not found in the fall of 2001 because he successfully camouflaged himself, blending in with the gang down in Coe Park.
10. In honor of their best patrons, 1057 Torringford will be renamed Hillcop Restaurant.
11. To improve area safety, Homeland Security will declare Torrington's skies a No-Fly-Zone. City Councilors will vote to include mosquitoes.
12. The 155 howitzer will be moved from Coe Park to become part of a new anti-fly-anti-mosquito battery. Several gnats and a high flying fraternal order of Eagle will be shot down.
13. A new veterans' park will be constructed to hold the Civil War statue, the World War monuments, the Vietnam fountain, and the several hundred local, flag-waving pickup trucks and SUVs.
14. In order to alleviate overcrowding at Torringford School, TEA President Matt Valenti will negotiate a double session schedule with teachers going in the morning, students in the afternoon.
15. State officials will rule that the courthouse be built either in Torrington on Litchfield Street, or in Litchfield on Torrington Road. Or in Torrington on a dead end, or in Lynchfield on Gallows Lane.
16. In response to the Germania Singing Society flying an American flag, the American Legion will hoist a flag-bedecked Volkswagon.
17. The space shuttle Challenger will crash into the space station after being blinded by the Warner's new 2000-bulb marquee.
18. Bending to the TPD’s request that their ranks grow, Board of Public Safety member Carolann Kennedy will bake cookies every day.
19. The moose will return in 2002 and will defecate all over the East End. Headlines will scream: "Moose Drops A Deuce. Craps Out."
20. In an attempt to overcome the moose, animal control officers will show it naked photos of the reindeer at Christmas Village and female Elk members. It will move into the renovated Moosehead Tavern in the North End, and neighbors will complain.
21. State Senator Andy Roraback will stop the siting of any more halfway houses, group homes, and state-supported residences of low-income, catchpenny ne'er-do-wells in Torrington. And the earth's perpetual motion will stop.
22. City firefighters will go the entire 2002 without headlines, scandals, grievances, excessive pensions, and sleeping on the job. And the earth's perpetual motion will stop.
23. Noting that Torrington has North, South, and East Mains, Pino Peveri of Joe D's Tavern will get Washington Avenue renamed West Main. Traffic will increase, and the street department will hire John Edwards to help people cross over.
24. The Hemlock will reopen and several residents of the nearby mobile home court will be arrested for TWI, Trailering While Intoxicated. City attorneys will claim the charges are without foundation since their clients had foundations.
25. Celebrating his renewal as tax collector for six more years, Rob Crovo will announce he's picking up the tab for the entire city, asking only that his Red Raider season tickets be upgraded to 50 yard line/ midcourt/ dugout.
26. Acting on a barroom tip that Rick Dalla Valle is actually Yasser Arafat, FBI agents will raid Expressions. Dalla Valle's identity will be confirmed by photos showing him in the mayor's parade.
27. Coins and Collectibles will have a sale on "Vote For Jeff Drucker" buttons.
28. To solve exiting problems at Greenridge Road/ East Main, the street department will tunnel directly across to Wendy's, rationalizing that that's where everyone who's anyone wants to go anyway.
29. Several newly elected officials will collaborate on a best-selling book explaining how it's possible to get elected with little knowledge of city problems, less record of public service, and no discernible opinion on anything.
30. Destiny's Child, the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, and 'N Sync will perform at a fundraiser for the Torrington Board of Ed. Millions will be raised but will disappear, then reappear, then disappear.
31. East Main will be sanctioned an official NASCAR raceway. Wayne Gemelli will redesign the course to go through Sky Top Lanes, where things like NASCAR are understood.
32. Pointing out that it worked for Home Depot, savvy developer Jed Hayes will paint the downtown train depot a bright orange.
33. There will be several shark attacks in the Besse Pond pool. The attacks will coincide with the annual immigration of Torrington seniors from Florida. Seniors will admit to bringing back fireworks, cigarettes, and a few illegal Haitians. But no Pakistanis or sharks.
34. To control the crowds, Chief Roger Janelle will authorize the use of rubber bullets, water cannons, and tear gas at Torrington’s 4th of July fireworks and Kwanzaa celebrations.
35. Police officers will coach PAL teams on their own time, just like everyone else. Real pals take care of pals, and for free.
36. Downtown revitalization will be helped when Kathrina Antwi of Kathrina's Fitness moves her studio downstairs, and those storefront windows are at last given some real art.
37. Gary Condit, Philip Giordano, and Bridgeport's Joseph P. Ganim will ride in Biker Weekend and will crash passing Kathrina's Fitness.
38. Torrington's split into two state senatorial districts will result in citizens only being allowed to vote for half of Andy Roraback. Most will opt to vote for the khaki pants, blue button-down shirt, and navy blazer.
39. Though the Christmas tree looks nice in front of City Hall, a group will petition the Warner to get it back atop the marquee, but will be told "Tree's a crowd."
40. The Warner will sponsor a Mr. Warner contest, and Jeff Pavan and Joe Curi will tie for first in the swimsuit phase, helped by their new, shapely hips.
41. Students at THS will go hungry when thousands of dollars worth of ovens, sinks, and kettles are given away and tossed out—again.
42. Jim Patten will propose that the Navy shift bombing from Vieques Island, Puerto Rico to Torrington's blighted buildings, starting with his former wing at THS. Critics will be appeased when Patten points out that with only three classes a day, no one really works there, anymore, anyway.
43. Addo Bonetti and Molly Oddo will get married, and he'll become Addo Oddo. It didn't happen last time I called it, but it seems pretty certain in 2002.
44. Leigh and Leslie Keno from the Antique Roadshow will appraise the vintage couple in the millions.
45. Tim Driscoll will open a pool hall called City Cues.
46. In the name of cultural diversity, town officials will create Hanukkah Village. The music of Barbra Streisand, Michael Feinstein, Mandy Patinkin, and the old Irving Berlin classic "I'm Dreaming of a White Hanukkah" will be piped in. Rosenberg's 3-foot Black Santa will be out. Ten-percent-off discount coupons will be given to all youngsters who truly believe in the magical powers of retail.
47. And finally, Paul Bentley will pass the moniker of Torrington watchdog on to Mike Driscoll, saying that Driscoll is the only one with the interest, the writing bent, and the chutzpah. Bentley will last be seen walking off into the sunset with a crisp cold Ballantine Ale singing, "In the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun."
And if you believe, truly believe, that Torrington 2002 will come to pass in this image, I suggest to you that Michael Skakel is innocent, Tora Bora is what happens at Perkins Street with the moles, and Vanilla Sky refers to a white Polish guy.
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