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AIDS, Don't Take My Mom Away!
By William J. Constantine
Imagine if you will that you have been bounced from foster home to foster home, again and again, until you have reached the tender age of seven. At this age a loving family adopts you, but no matter how much love they show you, you know deep down inside that you don't belong. Deep within your very being you know that you have a family with whom you share the same blood. Within that same blood that pulses through your veins you know that your biological mother is out there without you. You know that you are without her, and each and every day you wish you were with her. You love your mother with every essence of your being; you love her enough that you would do anything for her.
I would love to tell you that this is the beginning of a good story, but it isn't. This is my life.
It was a little over a year ago that I received the phone call that would change my life forever. My biological grandmother called me to inform me that my mother was very sick. I can remember the conversation as if it happened an hour ago.
"Hello, Bill, it's your grandma Pat. How are you?"
"Good …" I replied.
"Bill, I am calling about your mother. She is very sick."
"I know," I said, thinking she was talking about her mental condition.
"She’s dying of AIDS."
My heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and each piece fell like a rock into my stomach. In an instant, tears fell down my face effortlessly. I heard my grandmother's voice break the silence.
"The doctors don't know how long she has. Her heart only works at 30% and an artery is completely shut down. It is very hard for her to breathe. She can only breathe short breaths."
My adoptive mother must have known that I was crying because she showed up in the room. She looked at me and wondered what had happened. She must have known that it was something big, because I haven't cried that much since her parents, who were my foster parents, died. In fact, I cried more because this was my mother—the one I have been searching for all my life—and now I am faced with the fact that she is dying.
I left the next night for Pittsburgh, and didn't know what lay ahead. How close to death was she? I mean, am I going to loose her before I even get to know her? What will I say to her? Do I hug her? Do I kiss her? I mean, would that be right?
I was haunted with a thousand questions during the whole ride to Pittsburgh. There were a couple of bus transfers, but I finally made it to Pittsburgh. Of course, I had a major headache and I was nervous. I was going to meet my FAMILY.
Uncle Chris greeted me and walked with me outside the bus station to meet the rest of my family. We waited about a minute or so, and then I saw my mother for the first time in years. She had changed a lot since I had last seen her at the age of about five and a half.
When my mother finally got close enough to me, I reached out and gave her a big hug and kiss. This was one of the greatest moments of my life (the other being when my daughter was born, but that hadn't happened yet). I can remember hugging her and thinking, "Am I dreaming?"
It was a dream come true. After all those years of needing her in my life, I now have her. For how long? Who knows? I want to make the best of it while she is still here. I want her to know that I never once held a grudge for things that happened in the past … and, most of all, that throughout all these years I still loved her. That I always will love her and that will never change.
The days I spent with her in Pittsburgh were some of the greatest days of my life. I learned so much about me in that week, that I now understand certain things about me that I hadn't before.
I now have a beautiful daughter of my own, and I love her with all of my heart. My goal is to give my mother a chance to be a grandmother. I know that it means a lot to her, and I want to her to have a relationship with her granddaughter before she dies.
I love my mom so much, and it is to my screwed up life that I owe the fact that I will be the best dad possible for my children. I know what it is like to live a hard life, and I know what it is to throw a good thing away when you have it. I don’t want my daughter, and future children, to know the hardships that I have known. I want what is best for them.
I know that the day will come and I won't have her anymore. I know that when that day comes my life will change forever. I don't know how I will react, but I will have to deal with it when the time comes, however hard it may be.
I have learned so much within the last year. Most of all I know who I am, a search that has finally come to an end. I am William Constantine IV, and I am proud of who I am and where I come from. I have found peace and I have created a family of my own. I love all, and thank all those people who have helped me attain this status in life.
And so the long search ends with many thanks to the Cadrain family who raised me as their son, and dealt with a lot of crap along the way. I have done some things in the past to shame that name and I regret it. Many thanks to the Hoffmans, a foster family, who gave me a solid foundation from which to grow into the man I am today. Thanks to my teachers at Gilbert High for your guidance when times were tough. Last but not least, thanks to my biological family, the Constantines, who gave me my name, and who have made me complete. I love you all.
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