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Welcome to Hell
The Dullest Show on Earth … Or Is It?
By D.P. O’Keefe
Prison is uninteresting, repetitive and dull. Simultaneously it can be one of the most dangerous places on Earth. Here’s why: It’s like a circus animal act that goes on day in and day out and comes off so wonderfully, so often, it’s to the point of being incredibly boring for those involved.
The trainer steps into the cage and strides confidently up to the lion. He then seizes its massive jaws, pries them apart and sticks his head into his toothsome mouth. After a few seconds, he pulls his head out, people applaud—act over.
It goes on like this for days, months, years—until, one day, the lion decides he doesn’t want to give the trainer back his head. And in an instant, you have people screaming, a page-one tragedy, grisly news footage, and the lion gets taken away to be terminated. And why? Perhaps because the trainer had double-bacon cheeseburger all over his breath.
Prison plays out a little like this. Day in, day out it is a monotonous parade of dangerous men. There is some whip-cracking, but for the most part everything goes as designed. Until …
Until one day an inmate strangles another inmate to death over a game of cards. Then we have people screaming, a page-one tragedy, grisly news footage, and an inmate is taken away—possibly to be terminated.
Consequently, prisons get bad reputations as horrifically dangerous places. The motion picture industry would have us believe that prison is a den of murder, rape and thievery. It’s not. However, the moment there is a single burp of news about prison violence (and even if statistically it falls far lower than most communities’ rates of violence) the incident is blown up and there is week-long news fallout—followed 18 months later by a feature-length film.
I’m not saying that prisons, like lions’ cages, are not dangerous "containers." I mean, examine their contents. Dangerous entities reside in each. And you are taking a risk by stepping inside—even more so if you wish to engage in flippant acts of bravery.
While I, without a doubt, am "in" this dangerous container sans choice, you won’t find me sticking my head where it has absolutely no place being. I lead a quiet life in here, and as a result, I am in less danger than someone who challenges the jaws of another inmate. I primarily keep to myself.
I have some friends here with whom I associate and pass time. I was cautious in selecting these friends, for a few reasons—one being my fear of unpredictable people, the other being my dislike for certain crimes and the criminals who do them.
With all this in mind, it annoys me to watch the news anchor drop her eyes and lower her voice every time there is prison violence. That is unnecessary theatrics.
Prisons, like the double-bacon cheeseburger-enticed lion on death row, have unnecessarily poor reputations. They’re not that bad, and they’re getting better every year. We have social workers in here who aren’t an ounce over 100 pounds, and they climb into this lion’s cage every day. They feel safe. And we have some very, very large inmates who probably could gnaw off one of their heads—but don’t.
So the next time you hear bad news about prison violence, think back to when you last heard of prison violence. Chances are it will be around the last circus mauling.
D. P. O’Keefe is a humorist incarcerated in a Connecticut maximum security correctional facility.
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