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The Appliance Conspiracy
By Judy Keifer, Litchfield
I suppose most people think of their household appliances … if they think of them at all … as large metal boxes with push buttons that cause them to wash dishes or clothes or keep ice cream frozen, and all their owners have to do is plug them in and pay their electric bill on time.
Silly, silly you—so trusting and naive. Take it from me: inside each electrical appliance dwells a little gremlin. Those of us who date back to WWII remember gremlins that infected factories where military planes and ships were made. They were often credited with mysterious plane crashes or ship sinkings.
What is not commonly known is that after The Big War there was not much for gremlins to do, so they started infecting appliance factories. Yes, any appliance you own has a built-in gremlin. It may even be mentioned in the instruction booklet (which, personally, I never bother to read).
Another thing people don't know is that appliances that come in pairs mate for life—and, yes, brace yourself: they even have sex! What did you think that rattling in the basement at night was caused by … an earthquake?
I have long known about this situation, so when I needed a washer and dryer when we moved here 18 years ago, I perused the classified ads and bought a pair for $50 from a man in Torrington. He and I carried them out of his basement and put them in our pickup truck. Our pickup truck is long gone, but the washer and dryer have served me well, lo, these many years.
That is, until that rainy week in April when the dryer went belly up, beyond repair. Our kids, especially the one who lives in an apartment with no laundry facilities, said, "Mom! Mom! Get a new dryer! You deserve one!" So I went out and bought a new dryer and, yes, they delivered it Saturday morning as promised. As they inched it down our 1830 cellar steps and into our low-ceiling basement, I cringed when I saw them shove aside the old, dead dryer. I swear I heard my old washing machine gasp, "They are taking away Buddy!? I am so out of here, too!" She knows that new dryer will ignore her, and he wouldn't deign to do the Basement Boogie with her.
So, as the delivery men crawled back out of the basement, I said, "Well, I will see you when you deliver the new washer!" They gave a start, looked at each other and said, "You ordered a washer, too?"
"Not yet," I told them, "but appliances mate for life, you know. That old washer won't last long …"
They exchanged glances and said, "Oh, yeah, you are right." So, they thought it safer to humor me?
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