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The Colonel and the Kid
By Allen T. Lake, Farmington
In a letter to this paper, William Barrante argued that the atheist father who brought suit over the Pledge of Allegiance was the intolerant one [Tolerance and Intolerance, July 5]. He argued that under a ruling by the United States Supreme Court in 1943 (when "under God" was not in the pledge), one couldn’t be required to say the pledge (West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnette). He failed to point out that the 1943 ruling was made because some religions allow allegiance only to God. (A tolerant move on the part of government.)
Mr. Barrante also equated a child blessing another child who sneezes with a government demanding an acknowledgement of a God hovering over us in the Pledge of Allegiance.
He claimed that religion caused the end of slavery, although slave owners were religious themselves. He infers that the Nazis were atheists, and he implied that atheists are the cause of all evil because they believe that anything goes.
I take exception to Mr. Barrante’s logic in my imaginary conversation below between a fictional Colonel Barrante and "The Kid."
Colonel Barrante and The Kid on Tolerance
THE KID: Hi, Colonel … real hot day, isn’t it?
COLONEL BARRANTE: Yessir, Boy. That’s why I’m eating this here ice cold banana split … Good for the heat, Sonny, but not the profile.
KID: Maybe you should try the Atkins diet.
COLONEL: You kiddin, Boy? Why, the majority of doctors and nutritionists in this country think it’s the worst diet since sliced bread … nothing funny intended.
KID: But the New York Times Magazine just ran a whole article on how it appears to work.
COLONEL: That whining liberal paper don’t know from nothing, Boy. That diet’s bad for your heart, hard on your liver, and will kill your kidneys.
KID: If you say so, Colonel … You are the man. Say, what do you think of the Pledge of Allegiance controversy?
COLONEL: There is no controversy, Kid. Most of us Americans believe in God, so it belongs in the Pledge. Period. Some intolerant folks don’t think so.
KID: So tolerance is when the government encourages people to demonstrate their religion in front of the non-religious without regard for the non-believer’s objection?
COLONEL: You are one smart kid!
KID: But doesn’t that contradict the first amendment … isn’t that the government establishing religion?
COLONEL: Hell, no. They don’t take an offering in class, do they, Sonny?
KID: No, sir!
COLONEL: Well, there you go. Just because you say in a pledge that there’s a God doesn’t mean we’re starting a religious organization.
KID: But acknowledging God is a good place to begin a religion, wouldn’t you say?
COLONEL: Well, yeah … you might say that … let me get at that itty bitty smidgin of chocolate hiding under the banana. Mmmmmm.
KID: But you think that’s fair to people who might not think like most Americans?
COLONEL: You mean them agnostic and atheistic types? Those Unitarians and the like?
KID: Well, I suppose so.
COLONEL: They don’t have to say nothing. The law allows them to shut up.
KID: But wouldn’t you think that a 6-year-old hearing "under God" being said by the rest of his classmates might feel like he’s a bit odd if he’s taught differently?
COLONEL: Well, if he doesn’t believe in God he is a bit odd!
KID: Oh, now I get it! Say, Colonel, how do you know there’s a God?
COLONEL: It’s just faith, Kid. You look around, hear the birdies tweet and see the orange sunsets, and you just know there’s a Higher Power.
KID: So you can prove that God exists?
COLONEL: Heck no, Sonny. If I could prove it there’d be no reason for faith!
KID: I see … that’s very interesting. So even if you can’t prove that God exists, it belongs in the Pledge of Allegiance because we should demonstrate to the kids who don’t believe it that we have the guts to believe it even though we can’t prove it.
COLONEL: Boy, you’re making me proud. Ah, ah, ah, ah … Achooooo!
KID: Gesundheit.
COLONEL: Don’t gimme that Nazi crap, Boy. The Nazis were a bunch of atheists.
KID: Oh, I don’t think so, sir. Hitler was a proud Catholic.
COLONEL: Pppppp … stttsttttttttttttt … mmmm … doink … splat.
KID: Gee, Colonel, I didn’t think you could spit a red cherry and a scoop of vanilla ice cream that far!
COLONEL: Boy, where did you get that one about Hitler? I got caramel and walnuts on my vest!
KID: Well, for one thing it’s in Mein Kampf. My teacher says we ought to know what happened.
COLONEL: You’re getting me so hot, Sonny … my sundae’s melting twice as fast.
KID: Sorry, Colonel, but look at this. Hitler wrote: "Therefore I am acting as the agent of our Creator. By fighting off the Jews, I am doing the Lord’s work."
COLONEL: You can’t draw conclusions from one sentence …
KID: Oh, Hitler said a lot of things like that. In 1941 he told one of his generals: "I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so."
COLONEL: Be careful, Sonny … that’s sounds like Catholic-bashing …
KID: Catholic-bashing? What’s that?
COLONEL: That’s anything said in public that makes more than one Catholic feel uncomfortable.
KID: Geez, I didn’t mean to make anybody feel bad. I thought that the truth didn’t hurt …
COLONEL: Well, whoever said that was nuts. It always hurts. It was bad enough when the Church openly apologized for 2000 years of anti-Semitism. Church-related organizations have been denying accusations of anti-Semitism within the Catholic Church since those charges were made after World War II … and then, some fifty years later, the Church takes out a full-page ad in the New York Times and admits it! Catholics had no one to complain to.
KID: Oh, I see … I guess you’re right, Colonel … Now I get it … since there are more Catholics than Jews in the world, that means that concerns about anti-Semitism should take a back seat to concerns about Catholic-bashing.
COLONEL: That’s right! The majority rules. Just like that "under God" statement.
KID: Boy, this is some lesson I’m getting.
COLONEL: That’s why I’m here, Boy, and just remember what Dostoyevsky said, that "without God, everything is allowed."
KID: Is that why God isn’t mentioned in the Constitution?
COLONEL: That’s right … and look at the mess we’re in now. Too many freedoms. That intolerant atheist father who sued over the Pledge of Allegiance shouldn’t be given that right. And don’t you forget, Boy, about how God-fearing folks stopped slavery.
KID: Right on, Colonel. God-fearing people stopped other God-fearing people from having slaves.
COLONEL: Errr … right … you got it right.
KID: And if the government decides that we should all say the Pledge of Allegiance five times a day and then bow down to Allah five times a day, then that’s a good thing.
COLONEL: Allah? He ain’t my God. No way, Boy.
KID: I thought God and Allah and Yahweh were all the same?
COLONEL: Didn’t you ever hear of the Crusades and the Inquisition?
KID: Yes, sir. I did.
COLONEL: Well, those things happened because God and Allah and Yahweh are not the same. You got that, Boy?
KID: Yes, sir. So if I’m a Muslim kid in a class, I better bite the bullet during the Pledge of Allegiance ‘cause God ain’t my God.
COLONEL: That’s a good way to put it. We’d hate to see history repeat itself.
KID: Gee thanks, Colonel. Gotta go … time for me to deliver the papers. Goodbye, Colonel.
COLONEL: God bless you, Sonny … God bless you.
KID: God bless America, sir … (to himself) I wonder where He was on September 11 …
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