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Front Page February 15, 2002  RSS feed

Keeping Abreast with John Ashcroft

By Nicole Chardenet, Bristol

Yes, children, you can tell it’s a Republican administration in the White House. First of all, they’re wasting the taxpayers’ money (yet again!)—and, second of all, it’s all about sex (isn’t it always?). There’s a tempest in a bra cup heating up in Washington, DC: Lady Justice has been busted for indecency.

At least this time the damage to our pocketbooks is only $8,000, as opposed to $47 million to find out the President got a Monica or two in the Oral Office.

It seems our conservative Attorney General, John Ashcroft, is feeling uncomfortably titillated by the statue of Justice in front of which he is often photographed. So the buxom Lady Justice, with one round, plump charm enticingly exposed, has just been issued a dress with a price tag that would embarrass even Nancy Reagan.

Apparently it never occurred to Mr. Ashcroft that it would be a lot cheaper to just move the statue, stand elsewhere—or, better yet, to just grow the hell up. Isn't he a little old to be acting like an eighth-grader?

It seems the press has a habit of trying to catch certain attorneys general in certain circumstances in front of the Department of Justice’s statue, which has been standing there otherwise unmolested since the 1930s. Every bit as juvenile as the Attorney General, the photographers are milking this for all it’s worth and trying to catch our deeply religious AG doing things like cupping his hands while Lady Justice exposes herself to politics.

When former Attorney General Edwin Meese gave his conclusions on a pornography report in the early 1980s, the press took pictures of him waving the papers in the air while the chesty Lady bore the naked truth about hot, steamy, luscious ladies in America.

Funny, no one ever tried to catch Janet Reno in a compromising position in front of the Queen of Babe-alonia. Especially when you consider how much speculation there was that Ms. Reno was a Lebanese.

But Mr. Ashcroft is a fine and upstanding Christian who believes you should cleavage only unto your wife. He’s tired of all those Beavis and Butthead boobs trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. It’s more than he can bare, and he knows just how to handle Lady Justice. He’s going to knocker out of the news, so we can focus on more uplifting topics, rather than issues that divide and separate us.

He’s gotten a firm grip on this brassiere-en hussy who would make a mockery of his administration in the bosom of American politics.

So ta ta for now, Lady Justice, and thanks for the mammaries!